Stop Loafing Around and Get Bready!

                Carbohydrates. Grain. Wheat. Bread. 

                Bread. Is. The. Grain. God.

                I haven’t always been a bread enthusiast; in fact, I’ve only recently been awakened to the magical properties of it. I feel as though other people may like bread, but they don’t necessarily realize the full scope of the bread chain. I’m not trying to suggest that the bread chain is anything like a vertical food chain, even though that’s pretty ironic because bread is a food, but it’s more of a horizontal integration type thing.

                Yes, the point I’m trying to get across is that bread has a monopolistic control. Not only over my heart, but the hearts of the world. Bread is the worldwide uniting factor. Bread is the uniter, the worldwide superhero.

                Now I love Disney and Marvel and Pixar and DC Comics, but they could really improve themselves if they created a BreadPerson comic. I say BreadPerson because we have to be diplomatic on the Internet – bread would never want to offend anybody, and neither would I. Even bread made with peanuts and/or tree nuts does not aim to offend; it’s not their fault that they cause problems! To quote Lady Gaga, they were just “born this way” (I guess in this case it would be “[made] this way”). Unfortunately, bread cannot be quoted but I wish it could be because who knows if bread is like the new Einstein or Locke or DiCaprio. Ooooh, if

there is a BreadPerson comic that eventually gets turned into a movie, BreadPerson should be played by Leonardo DiCaprio, or if BreadPerson is a girl I vote Jennifer Aniston. She was one out of six of my favorites on the show Friends. Yeah, I know there were only six main characters on Friends, but how do you expect me to pick a favorite? That’s like asking a screenwriter to pick their favorite screenplay. Oh how I wish I’d written Friends. Anyway, I digress. Let’s hop off my train-of-thought and get bread-y to explore reality (yeah, that pun was pretty rough).

                I’ll be the first to admit  I am not a bread expert, and certainly not a nutritionist. Even more unfortunate, the facts I have memorized are not about bread, but they’re centered on due dates, historical events and dates, mathematical and scientific formulas, English grammar rules, and standardized testing (the national student nightmare). I know, I know - I live a life with little of the right knowledge, little of the bread knowledge. If you would like to know the facts of bread, visit this website. Now that being said, just because I don’t know specific facts doesn’t mean that I don’t know anything. I know that bread provides a plethora of nutrients to the bodies that consume it, all the while supplying the mind with a comfort that can none otherwise be known as love. We who eat bread can feel the carbohydrates energizing and protein firming our muscles. Meanwhile, the wholeness of the risen flour-and-water mixture fills us up and makes our minds understand that we have enough food in our bodies to stave off starvation, so we feel safe and secure, and therefore comforted.

                Bread is the fabric of our world, and it is not limited to only one fashion. White. Wheat. Whole grain. Pumpernickel. Rye. Naan. Focaccia. Brioche. Baguette. These are only a few types of the glorious realms of which bread can take us. Bread is both fantastical and real. For those that see reality as a problem, the solution is breads. Want a sparkly, princess escape? Eat brioche, because it’s a big poof and so rich in volume that it will make you feel rich. Want a thrilling, adventurous escape? Try rye bread, because it’s dryness, hardness, and rough texture will make you feel as rough and hardcore as a warrior like Mulan, or even a rogue like Jack (of course from Jack and the Beanstalk). Rye bread is rogue bread. 

That’s catchy – it should be on a bumper sticker. With a bumper sticker or without, finding a specific bread solution is simple deductive reasoning.

                “Why are you talking about bread?” you may ask. Well, think about this: bread is one of the worlds most common foods – so much so that it’s become overlooked in millions of cities. Our species has overlooked an innumerable amount of things, be it innovations, ideas, facts, or even the very things that have ensured our survival for hundreds of centuries. Our species has transformed life from its originally simple state to a difficult, complex, silicon one. Our species has been ignorant to the easy joy and creativity that can be caused by the simplest things in life. We constantly turn to electronics for relaxation, but oftentimes they actually frustrate us; however, when was the last time a single, simple object (like bread) frustrated you? Odds are, too long ago for you to remember.

                So next time you’re unhappy or frustrated or hateful of reality or anything else, how about instead of playing a game on your phone, you go down to your local bakery and buy some bread? Even if it only solaces for a few moments, those moments you won’t regret. Unless you’re allergic to gluten.

If you have any questions, comments, or even ideas for the BreadPerson comic, email me at this address.