Confession time, boys and girls.
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I eat when I'm stressed.
And boy, have I been stressed lately.
AP exams, Volunteering, homework, tests...all of these things have driven me to the fridge.
Calorie by calorie, my self esteem went down the drain. I began to hate what I saw in the mirror. Every piece of clothing I owned seemed to hug my bloated body. I stopped exercising and sleeping regularly, and my body reacted even more strongly than it had before.
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That's right, kids. This isn't my first rodeo. I have more experience with over eating and... purging than I'd like to admit.
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About a year ago, I was at the height of my battle with bulimia. I can't truly describe to you what that was like. I felt I had to eat, at all times. Then, I had to get it all out of me. It was as if my body was possessed with this monster that was insatiable and never happy. I was lost and didn't know how to crawl out of the hole I'd buried myself in. I hated myself and everything I was doing to my body, but I didn't feel like I could stop. I felt powerless. So I tried to take power back. I ate around 700 calories a day, literally starving myself in order to punish my bulimia. The cycle just got stronger.
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Most of my loved ones brushed it off as a phase. Most of them thought all I wanted was attention, and that there was no way I was "stupid" enough to jeopardize the future I'd worked so diligently to build. I got to the point at which I was scared of myself and what I could do to my body. I just didn't know how to break the vicious cycle.
People came to my side once I realized I needed to cry for help. I became aware of my triggers and how to avoid them. I wasn't happy, but I felt far less hopeless. Day by day, it got better. Through all of this, I overcame.
So here I am, bearing my soul for you, my internet compadres. I'm never going to conquer bulimia. That's not me being a pessimist, that's me being honest. Bulimia is not something one can conquer straight out.
As gross and as terrible as it sounds, an unhealthy relationship with self control and food is something that always has and always will be a part of my life, at least in the foreseeable future. I'm no longer purging, but avoiding my triggers has gotten more and more difficult. I'm too afraid to be a disappointment to everyone around me to let it go. I'm honestly too afraid to fail.
In all of my faults, I'm not afraid to fail myself. Not anymore.
There's too much at stake.
If you're struggling with bulimia, feel free to contact me at julia.cahill01@gmail.com
You can do this. After all, vicious cycles are made to be broken.
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ReplyDeleteoops
DeleteWhat I meant to say was that you're writing is powerful even though it's not super long (I always feel mine has to be super long), and I'm really proud of you!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Nicole
DeleteBeing down that path, I now have recovered and I agree 100%. This needs to stop, also I'm very proud of you!
ReplyDeleteWow seriously so proud of you for being able to put this out on the internet. It takes a lot to expose yourself like this, but I know myself and others who read this will get a whole new understanding of what you and so many others are going through. Definitely an eye opener, thank you for posting this!
ReplyDeleteI can definitely relate to your issue Julia. I haven't necessarily dealt with bulimia but I also struggle with overeating--especially when I'm stressed. I think the problem for many people is that their unhealthy eating habits are at odds with the unhealthy outlook they have of themselves. But starving and taking drastic measures is not the answer. People need to look at food as a means to support the functions of the body instead of a means to self-gratify. In other words, we should eat food in order to supply the body with nutrients not solely for the emotional satisfaction. Moreover, we need to ask ourselves, "why do I want to lose weight?" Is it merely for superficial reasons or is it because I want to maintain a healthy lifestyle (mentally, emotionally, and physically). If it isn't for health, then life will remain a constant struggle between the desire to indulge and the dissatisfaction with one's appearance. Addressing the image aspect, for me my mindset began to change when I realized that my value does not rest in my appearance. Our value is already established in God. Whether you agree with me or not, that is when the burden of appearance lifted off of me. I realized my worth is not defined by externals whatsoever but by the fact that I am a child of God. I don't mean to push my beliefs on you, but I wanted to share my experience and insight. I am sorry you have and still are going through this Julia. I will be praying for you and if you need someone to talk I am more than willing. Also, I admire your willingness to publicly share your vulnerabilities. That takes a lot of courage.
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