The Questionable Concept of "Being Yourself" In High School

“Just be yourself! Don’t worry about what other people think!”

A "be yourself" message from
one of those  "random social
media accounts" (in this case,
found on Pinterest)

The number of times I've had that phrase shoved in my face is probably larger than the number of times I've dyed my hair since entering high school, which is…several. It makes sense, of course; when I started my freshman year, I was timid and always trying to please others, wearing false eyelashes and far too much eyeliner daily. After about 2 months, I realized that I wasn't that person and I didn't have to look like what others expected. Since then, I've gone through several shades of red hair (now I’m onto blue) and I've realized that I’m not usually one to wear much make-up, despite protests and questioning from my siblings and peers.

In that span of 2 years or so, while contemplating my decisions to change up my style, I've been told by friends, family members, random social media accounts, and even myself to disregard others’ opinions and just “be myself.” In general, I've followed that advice, but recently I've realized some major flaws in applying it to everyday life—especially in high school. This expression’s repetition has rendered it effectively meaningless in certain situations and borderline harmful in others.

The Question of “Who Am I?”

It may seem silly to say that this little idiom could actually cause someone harm. Obviously, a few (positively intended) words aren't the only problem; this concept merely adds to the existing issues related to questioning and figuring out one’s identity, a prominent struggle in high school.

As we've been told time and again during bullying seminars and by kids’ television shows attempting to teach us how to be decent grown-ups (That’s So Raven, anyone?), many many people struggle with self-confidence issues. Mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety, and eating disorders manifest themselves as results of this self-consciousness, and are often closely linked with how teenagers perceive the attention we receive from peers.

Now, where does “being yourself” play into this? Simple. The motivation behind this advice is generally to encourage kids to express themselves how they see fit. In reality, such a confused and confusing phrase only confounds ideas of self-identity. We’re pushed to be our “true self” during a time when we have no real idea who that person is. As a 16-year-old, I have no clue how I’m going to turn out as an adult. I have a decent grasp on my character now, but even then, I’m often terrified of showing who I think that should be because—let’s face it—I could be wrong! I know I’m not the only one who feels this, and I can acknowledge that it’s a tad ridiculous to fear self-expression when people tell me that I should do what I want, but the judgment of less-accepting peers along with the gaping unknown of the future sort of takes the punch out of “being myself.”

I mentioned earlier that I often allow my physical appearance to be my form of self-expression, but doesn't “being yourself” also include your personality? Teenagers are just as likely to be judged for their actions as for their looks, and the fear of judgment and wrong assumptions (by oneself or one’s peers) is deepened when they’re expected to know and express who they “really are.”

The Statement of “This is Who I Am”

Somehow, the opposite problem exists as well. Contrasting the kids who want to stand out and even those who fear being one-of-a-kind appear those who are fine fading into the background, as well as those who exist in-between.

I’m all for doing things others may not approve of, whether it be dying your hair or wearing clothes that are often deemed outlandish or refusing to back down on your opinions. If that is who you are, then fine. Wonderful. But over and over, all I have seen in support of being oneself is in support of such (and I use this term with love) craziness; it’s as if the only way to “be yourself” is to be bold, bright-colored, and brazen. What about the others? Is the girl who’s perfectly content with her natural hair color and “average” outfit not being herself? Are the boys who enjoy lacrosse and wearing shorts in 20-degree weather (which, I’ll admit, is a questionable decision) still pining away in search of their true selves? While it could be argued that some of those seemingly “normal” kids just haven’t found exactly who they are yet—again, we don’t know—I would say no. Though their tastes may be “mainstream,” there’s no solid evidence saying that those kids aren't being true to who they are.

This is where the meaninglessness of the saying “just be yourself” comes into play. To some teenagers, this advice means nothing. They don’t need a push to show their “true colors” because they feel comfortable with the colors they’re sporting. Not to mention the kids who straddle both sides: the ones who dress or act differently than the norm, but are content to do so.

Me at various points during high school; my forms and ideas of self-expression have changed as the years progressed and I began to figure out who I think I want to be. Does the change mean that I wasn't myself before? Of course not! Maybe… I don’t know!

From left to right: September 2012, December 2012, July 2013, March 2014 (character day; I was dressed as the Basket Case from The Breakfast Club, so maybe not quite “self”-expression, but I do love it), December 2014, and March 2015 (forgive my selfies)

The Solution

The use of this slogan isn't a problem in itself, but it’s been so overused as to become burdensome to some and useless to others. The solution (for lack of a better word), then, is just to examine the motivations and meanings behind this advice. Also, maybe think of new advice.

And if I—or anyone else—continue to be unsure of how to express myself, so what? All we can do is what is best in the moment we live in now, and remember that “being yourself” shouldn't have to mean “be completely unlike anyone around you” or “decide your identity now.” It should simply mean sticking with who you think you are, or who you want to be, no matter what people think. 

Questions? Comments? Email me!