Virginal Mixology 102 with Formaldehyde

Having previously introduced you to the glory of Swamp Soup, The Puddle-Monger, and my incisively fresh spin on that old workhorse, Special Drink, this installment of Virginal Mixology will veer away from the simplistic, childlike wonder - some would call it trashiness, and I would in turn call them grotesquely oversized horse livers, thereby perpetuating the cycle of violence - of those concoctions, and into a more sophisticated, subtle vein of non-alcoholic beverages, categorically defined largely by the presence of wonderful, fattening, delicious, deadly, wonderful heavy cream.

The following drinks, invaluable tools in the arsenal of any liquor-free cocktail enthusiast, are best deployed at intimate, late-night parties, preferably towards the end of the affair, as the cream will sit in guests' stomachs with not-inconsiderable force, thus lulling them into a sort of tuckered-out, sugary stupor, allowing for a heightened degree of emotional frankness in the ensuing discourse, and making it easier to corral your dazed attendees out the door when the clock's mellow bongs signal the end of the soiree.

So far: two sentences, 170 words. That's just how I do.


The Bennold Palmer

For those not in the know, my given name is actually Ben Hyde (nomenclature that, for some odd reason, I unquestioningly accepted prior to my re-christening as a beverage guru), and this is one of the first drinks I invented when I was young and still going by that name - thus the (charmingly?) amateur spin on "Arnold Palmer."

While Arnold Palmers are more known these days for the canned Arizona variant than the striking but culinarily monotone original creation, the bev is pervasive enough to inspire some basic but effective remixing on my part - in this case substituting apple juice for lemonade, resulting in a cleaner, more memorable blend, with the mouthfeel cycling from front to back to front again with a calm yet invigorating fruity-earthy cadence.

Best served accompanied by diced escargots, sprinkled lightly atop Spongebob Squarepants-style Cheese Nips, which are novel because escargots is very haute cuisine and Cheese Nips very low. So your guests will be all like, "Hahahaha escargots and Cheese Nips?! Together? That is zany!" And then they will murmur amongst themselves in comic fashion for a few minutes until the initial wonder brought on by the unusual treat has waned and they find themselves slightly repelled by the soggy, sodium-rich monstrosity before them.

I don't know if there's apple juice in this tea, but if there isn't, this tea is a nerd

Ingredients:

Some sweet tea (MUST be sweet tea, not iced [ed. - if you drink unsweetened iced tea, please close your browser immediately and do not return to my digital establishment. We do not tolerate your kind here.])

Some apple juice

Instructions: Pour some amount of the sweet tea into a glass. Then proceed to pour some amount of the apple juice into the same glass. Stir briefly with your finger or gently swoosh the glass around for a moment. Remember to perform the sacred rites before imbibing the Bennold Palmer.



Purple Cow

This drink involves the use of milk. If you are unclean physically, mentally, or spiritually, please avert your eyes so as not to disgrace its Awesome presence.

The Orange Cow, a half-OJ half-milk concoction, is the stuff of legend, a bev with an insidiously numerous series of factors that can easily go wrong - if either ingredient is too cold, or alternately, too warm, the milk will curdle and spoil, resulting in an immensely enjoyable if gastrointestinally distressing drink. Sugar occasionally needs to be added depending on the sweetness of the orange juice, and as with any dish made with bovine dairy, you run the risk of having your soul immediately sent to rot in Hell if you seriously mess up the recipe, thereby tarnishing the sanctity of the cream.

The Purple Cow is a safer alternative - less risk, and admittedly less reward, but still generally delicious, and with a unique slate-grey color that will come in handy if any of your guests enjoy eating cement. Or slate, I suppose. Anyhow, the grape juice is significantly less acidic than OJ and thence less likely to curdle your milk, which is beneficial unless you're attempting to give someone mild food poisoning as revenge for their mispronunciation of "Sacagawea," in which case your plans will be thoroughly ruined, as I learned the hard way. Not really. That never happened. That's a ridiculous, contrived scenario.

It may not look appetizing to you, but to people who think it looks appetizing, it does look appetizing

Ingredients:

Some grape juice

Some milk

Instructions: Pour the grape juice into a glass. Pour the milk into the same glass. Release a horde of miniature dolphins into the glass to swim in circles until the beverage is properly stirred. Garnish with a small lightbulb for the sake of arbitrarily affected idiosyncrasy. Hey, I wonder what would happen if you dropped a battery in someone's drink? Would it electrocute them when they took a sip? I should try this out on my little brother.


IN SUMMARY
In today's post, using a series of codes and carefully selected words, I've given you two family secrets of the Barretts, who wronged my ancestors by tracking mud into the house. If you can figure these secrets out for yourself, please use this sensitive information to hunt down and systematically eliminate the descendants of this sinful bloodline, whether you carry out the act through physical violence, emotional treachery, or some grandiose Monte Cristo-esque plot involving long-term financial swindling and marital bedevilment. Incorporation of a troupe of trained armadillos in some fashion is desirable.



And now we will close as always with a prayer to milk:

Milk
Yummy yummy yummy
I like you in my tummy
Milky milk milk
You're so white
It is a delight
You look like paste
But you do not taste
Like paste
Milk
I want to drown to death in you
Please free me from this life
Take me to milky heaven



See you next week on Virginal Mixology 103!







This post is fictional. I don't want anyone to kill anyone. And I don't worship milk. I'm just being weird. If you have comments or questions, either comment below or email me at porpoiseville@harmfulfungi.net